A big part of “love at first sight” is lust at first sight. Creating an emotional and physical connection is one of life’s most exciting gifts. On some level, we all know that relationships involve shifts and transitions. Still, in those early days, you can’t imagine losing some of your passion and spark. However, things will change. But you have more control over those changes than you might imagine.
Every couple will go through short periods without having sex. But a sexless marriage is something completely different. Fortunately, there are proven methods for addressing and changing this scenario.
What Do You Mean By a “Sexless Marriage”?
This can become a very over-analyzed topic. After all, can’t each couple decide how they define sex? And how can anyone agree on a number that’s normal or not? With this in mind, let’s lay down some basics. A sexless marriage is typically defined as a couple engaging in sexual intimacy less than 10 times per year.
More important than getting caught up in numbers or semantics is the need to be honest with yourselves. Do you feel like your relationship lacks intimacy — particularly physical intimacy? If so, you made be left to wonder why.
Common Causes of a Sexless Marriage
- Physical illness, injury, or disability
- Mental health issues
- Having children
- Working too many hours
- Financial problems
- Certain medications
- Fighting too much
- Lack of trust
- Being suspicious of one another
- Breakdown in communication
Any or all of the above can result in a temporary decrease in attraction and passion. But it’s that communication breakdown that allows it to become chronic. Too many couples shy away from talking about sex because:
- Deep-rooted shame and embarrassment about the topic
- Fear of causing hurt
- Fear of conflict
- Past experiences
- Choosing denial and trusting it will “fix itself.”
Is a Sexless Marriage Doomed?
Once again, these answers can get complicated. It could be a compatible agreement if both partners are completely on the same page about minimal physical intimacy. This is very rarely the case. More likely, there are unexplored root issues that both partners are avoiding. On the surface, they claim to be happy without sex. But if other forms of intimacy are also dwindling, it is not a sustainable situation. As touched on above, healthy communication is the path you seek.
How To Repair A Sexless Marriage And Re-ignite Your Spark
Communicate With “I” Statements
This is a sensitive subject, so the last thing you want to do is ramp up the emotion by risking a misunderstanding. So, state what you feel in sentences that begin with “I.” This makes it an expression of feelings rather than a potential accusation. Never forget that you are partners; the goal is to connect and heal.
Focus on Other Forms of Intimacy in the Meantime
The path to sexual intimacy is often paved with emotional and spiritual intimacy. It can sometimes feel like a business partnership, but you are in a romantic relationship. So…
- Hold hands
- Compliment each other
- Have deep conversations that don’t revolve around bills and kids
- Go on dates
- Make eye contact
Yes, life is hectic but get creative. This is well worth the effort.
Restrict the use of devices when you’re together. Take part in activities together — from working out to prayer and appreciating art. When you release yourself from past regrets and anxiety about the future, you are present. That’s where the deepest connections are formed.
Most importantly, remember that you can ask for help. Couples therapy is a proven avenue for all intimacy-related issues, feel free to contact us.