In Practice: Reflections from our clinician, Blaze Levario – MA, MHC-LP
Imagine yourself sitting at the dinner table across from your partner of ten years. You
both have just finished work, and are sitting down to share a meal together, the same way you
have day in, and day out. There is a pall of silence between the two of you, and you realize you
haven’t said a single word to each other in hours, maybe longer. You reach for your fork, or your
spoon to move the food into your mouth, and halfway there your hand stops. You look across
the table at the human at the other end of the table, and suddenly think to yourself, “how did I
get here? How did we get here?”
If you are sitting there reading this and saying, “I did that last night.” you aren’t alone. In
fact, most married couples only spend three minutes a day talking to each other, and if we
include texting or emails or errands within these three minutes it is easy to imagine that
connective conversation that is meant to be intimate or form deeper attachments has even less
time to occur
“I realized that if my partner didn’t put something in our shared calendar, I wouldn’t even think to try and remember it.”
Relationship inertia, a term coined by doctors and researchers Scott M. Stanley, PhD,
Galena K. Rhoades, PhD, and Howard J Markman, PhD is the process by which a relationship
between people has a tendency to keep moving forward. Not because both partners chose the
path, but because the existing momentum of shared routines, or even practical restraints, make
staying in the relationship easier. A deeper understanding of this is known as sliding vs
deciding.
A good example of sliding would be a couple who have been dating for a while, and
one couple has a lease that is ending, or has lost their living arrangements due to some
unforeseen event. Instead of asking each other what this move would mean beyond a cursory
“are you sure?” A week later, the boxes are packed, and they are living together without
genuinely talking about what this shift in relationship dynamic would mean. It is a passive
response to a serious shift.
Deciding looks like people in a relationship who talk openly, and with intentionality, about
their future. They would discuss what living together could mean for each of them. They
consider financial realities, weigh pros and cons, and sit with their own feelings for a moment
before they decide if this dynamic shift could deepen their relationship–and not just be a
convenient way to fix a present problem.
“Honestly, we never even thought to ask each other about moving across the country, we both just got offered separate jobs in the same place and assumed it would work out.”
In my practice, I see situations like this everyday, and facing this relationship of passive
vs intentional connection can be met with some frustration. In most couple’s work, you are often
sitting across from folks who have come to you in immediate distress and want tools and skills
to help fix a problem without understanding that just because you can replace a piece of drywall,
doesn’t mean that the foundation beneath it isn’t splintered. It’s not so much that you are having
the same conversation over and over again and expecting the same results, it’s that a lot of
couples are only intentionally checking in for the first time with a therapist in the room. So I
often present this question to each of them:
“When was the last time you checked in? Not about the groceries, or the bills, but about the thing you are building together?”
As a relational and narrative therapist, I focus on all the relationships you build — not
just romantic or platonic, but also your relationship with the world, your work, your home, even
your cat. Together, we explore how these connections have shaped your role in your own story,
how they’ve influenced your outlook, and whether it might be time to turn the page. In our
mononormative world, the fairy tale looms large. The Disneyfication of love sets up a false
binary — something is either “meant to be” or it isn’t. But what happens after Happily Ever
After? When the continuity of everyday life arrives, and the problems that can’t be slain with a
sword instead ask quietly for care?
I’m not here to ruin the fantasy of true love — quite the opposite. I believe that if you’ve
shown up, your love can work. But fairy tales can’t be the foundation of a healthy, lasting
relationship. We only ever see the beginning, never the decades of threads that bind two people
together. Love at the start is often easier than love in the middle. The middle gets a bad rap
because we rarely see examples beyond conflict, and conflict sells more than quiet devotion.
Our cultural story tells us love can only be rekindled when it’s at risk of being lost. While that can
sometimes be true, building beliefs based off of extraordinary exceptions is often how
resentment and regret take hold.
Love can be easy, but that doesn’t mean it’s passive.
Love can be hard, but that doesn’t mean it’s a job.
Remember that you are two people with wants and needs, and that by choosing each
other and not just expecting each other, your love will continue to grow and that which may have
seemed impossible suddenly becomes probable.
How Can Couples Rebuild Intentional Connection?
Rebuilding intentional connection starts with awareness and small, purposeful actions. Couples can take steps to deepen their bond and regain a sense of shared identity:
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Schedule regular check-ins to discuss feelings, goals, and relationship priorities.
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Practice active listening, ensuring each partner feels heard without judgment.
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Reflect individually on personal needs and values before sharing them.
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Set small, achievable goals together to strengthen trust and cooperation.
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Celebrate milestones and acknowledge progress to reinforce positive patterns.
By approaching the relationship with conscious effort, partners can move from passive routines toward meaningful engagement.
The Role of Self-Reflection in Intentional Relationships
Intentional connection is not only about shared activities but also about understanding oneself within the relationship. Self-reflection allows each partner to identify their own patterns of passivity, unmet needs, and emotional responses. Clinically, encouraging self-awareness helps partners communicate more authentically, set boundaries, and make deliberate choices rather than defaulting to convenience. Over time, integrating self-reflection into daily interactions strengthens empathy, enhances mutual respect, and creates a foundation for a more resilient, fulfilling partnership.
Intentionality Requires Ongoing Effort
Reclaiming intentional connection in a relationship is an ongoing process that requires consistent awareness and effort from both partners. It is not enough to have insight once; couples must integrate intentional practices into daily life. Clinically, this can include setting aside dedicated time for meaningful interaction, regularly reflecting on personal and shared goals, and checking in on emotional needs. Over time, these efforts can shift patterns of passivity into a dynamic of mutual engagement, trust, and responsiveness, ultimately strengthening the relationship and preserving each partner’s sense of identity.
